Why am I writing and what do I have to say, honestly I have no idea.  All I know is one of my fans requested I write so lucky you…today this is my gift to the public.  Kinda feels a bit like Christmas doesn’t it…except its 90 out.

Dangerous I know, but I am going to share what’s been on my mind.  CrossFit has been on my mind.  Call it a cult, call it what you like, i’m a proud member.  I did an experiment last month with my cult…I tried to do the Paleo Challenge.  How does a vegetarian do that…well to be honest, it’s not really possible.  I followed the Paleo diet except the meat part (which is the main part…).  I gave up coffee creamer and changed out my snacks.  The snack that smiles back, cried.  Sitting in the corner (of my pantry)…all alone (with the 7 other bags)…wishing I hadn’t abandoned our relationship.  But I did…goldfish and I broke it off for 30 days.  Instead I ate seeds.  Seriously, I already eat like a bird…this just added to the argument that I may actually be a bird (a cheetah like bird).  Considered installing a bird feeder in my cube.  These seeds are not the easiest things to eat in a classy way.

Seeds must be poured into your hands and then hurled down your throat.  You can’t use a spoon, a fork, a knife..cutlery..ya just can’t.  I am trying to find the classy way to eat seeds.  I really believe the bird feeder is the way to go.  Or maybe one of those gerble water dispensers.

Giving up coffee creamer…sweet divine baby Jesus, that’ serious, I called on God.  Coffee is powerful, i just had no idea how powerful.  Each morning I would hold my breath and try to just swallow it like bad medicine.  Now, 45 days later…I overcame my coffee creamer addiction and don’t need it.  Take that International Delight…saving my $2 a month!

Random other thoughts that will serve no purpose in your life…

-I do look in the window of the Waffle House each morning when I run by casting shame eyes.

-I stare down the drivers going through the McDonalds drive through, I know they hear my thoughts of disappointment.

-I am thrilled that NYC banned disgustingly enormous unnecessarily large soda – people, you are not really that thirsty.  Go pour maple syrup down your throat with a seltzer chaser…same thing.  Vile.

-I am fine with singing while running.  Out Loud.  Hands in the air, Katy Perry…she gets me every time!  Oh Katy, stop with the snappy lyrics.

– I wish animal print fashion would go out of style soon.

-High waisted anything is not good.  Super low waisted isn’t either.  Let’s go with the middle people.

-Jumpsuits, don’t get me started.  Most inefficient garment in the world.  Might as well get a fancy adult onesie.  Bedazzle it…go for it, get fancy.

-Pajamas are for home.  Only.

And with this…take care of yourself.  Eat right.  Do things that make you better every day.  A daily random act of kindness would be ideal.  Dance (while running especially).  Smile..because you can..you got a chance to wake up, use today wisely.

Seed Fed Cheetah

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WOD, wall balls, rope climbs, snatch, muscle ups, clean n jerk, double unders…what?  Why can’t we just use normal words like throw a ball high up or jump rope too fast or ninja hop with excessive weight?  Duh, because to be on the inside of the non-cult you have to have your code language so you sound impressive to others when you use these terms. 

Things that are cool in this underground operation….ripping.  I don’t know about you but when is the last time you used the term rip and it was a good thing?  Here it’s like branding…a mark that shows you are one bad ________.  That’s right, fill in the blank…use anything and it’s valid.  Now not ripping just anything, ripping shorts isn’t good, ripping muscles..well, that’s good..but ripping hands.  I said..hands…torn.  Show your palms in our covert operation and people just know – they can tell you are one.  Ask one of us about the moment…we have a story that will be so gross you will curse yourself for asking.  I ripped.  I wish this read I am ripped..but it doesn’t.  I tore.  But my story isn’t one that is legit – I did bear crawls and dug glass into my hands.  I didn’t look when it happened because I would have face planted and glass in the face isn’t cool.  And had I fainted, hand over my non-cult membership card.  It’s not easy being such a nasty girl…(nasty means good everyone).

We also have big secret surprises!  Shhhhhh…no one leak what the WOD is for the day…that’s the big surprise.  When you come in, there it is…in the fancy dry erase ink…starring you down…reminding you that in about T-minus 20 minutes you will be on the verge of vomit if you work hard enough.  Surprise! 

Now I say all of this and sound like I am whining…not the case.  I actually like all of this.  Don’t judge.  It’s a new and unique way to do an intense workout that pushes you hard for a short amount of time.  It’s about forming unity with the group you are with and pushing each other.  To see every age range, every ability level go hard and have the full support of the group makes each session so refreshing. 

Why did I join?  If you keep doing what you have always done you will get what you always got.  It’s stepping out of what’s comfortable that helps shape you.  You will never know what you are missing out on unless you try.  I thieved this from a very high quality quote resource…facebook:  “The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one’s life.” – Dalai Lama  (which by the way I always thought it should be written Dolly Llama..carry on).

CrossFit – just by saying you go people will look at you different.  I promise.  But don’t go because of that, go because you like yourself enough to never settle for being ordinary.

And one last thing – first I started this sentence with an AND, and, I don’t care…In the great words of Steve Harvey “know the difference between your GIFT and your Passion”.  If you pour the amount of energy you have for your passion into your gift you will be on the road to success.  Think about it.

I like you all so much…more today because you made it to the end of this. 

Ripping Cheetah

 

This post has no purpose, if you have a better way to spend your time I would recommend not reading any further.  I have a slew of random thoughts that don’t have room in my brain, so I am using the chronicles as my trash can. 

1.  I will never understand how people ingest wasabi without making “that face.”  Who invented wasabi?  Unsuspecting green paste, mmm sounds yummy, oh and it sets my whole self on fire, give me more.  And the people who think they are extra cool by loading it on.  You are not cool.  You are now snot sucking and wiping sweat from your forehead, gross.

2.  Men should not wear capris, especially not capri jeans.  I saw it today and it hurt.  A lot.  Skinny jeans and skinny jean shorts should not be made.  Someone be their friend and tell them its not good.  Send them back inside and don’t let them out until they have full length pants on.

3.  Why are pants called pants and not pant…one single pair is plural, I just don’t get it.

4.  How do you say the word palm…is it pahhhhlm…is it pom?  Do you pronounce the L?  Same with huge…if you say it yoooj I don’t think we can hang out.

5.  My iPod/iTunes got hijacked…for real.  Somehow i look at the digital display and it says “Just got Paid” but what’s in my ear is Cotton Eyed Joe.  Disrespect. 

6.  When someone says “long story short” they just lied.  Count on it.  If they didn’t say those three words to begin with their story would be shorter.

7.  I would like to carry cards like referee’s do in soccer and throw them at people when they don’t say thank you or acknowlege someone holding the door for them. 

8.  I hate that everything I see I feel the urgency to make a status update.  I want to hold classes on status updates to tell people that facebook isn’t a long dear diary entry.  Red Card.

9.  Why do my running clothes smell worse than a swamp?  Do clothes rot?  Is my sweat toxic?  Can it dissolve dri fit? 

10.  Glass cleaner claims to be streak proof…whatever.  I never got to be the product tester and I assure you I can streak any piece of glass.

11.  Why do cat fights sound like whaling babies?  I thought someone left two babies on my porch, crying.  No, it was garfield and other garfield killing each other on my porch.  Why do you wait to slaughter each other until 1am?  Very inconsiderate.

12.  What happened to myspace? 

13.  Why does this guy at my gym roll up one side of his shorts?  I know the deal with rolling up one pant leg but shorts?  Dude, why are you so uncool?  Stop.

14.  I went shopping, everything would have been so cute if it wasn’t horribly ugly.  What is the deal with making super tight pants and tent like shirts.  But if I fall out of a plane, my shirt will double as a parachute.  Great.

15.  I would like to get rid of all condiments (except salsa).  They serve no purpose than to mask the taste of what mother nature intended.  Stop hating on Mom, she will make it rain when you wear silk or white.

16.  Golf announcers whisper in an accent and I like that.

17.  I have nothing more for now..but know that I will…and for that I am sorry.

18.  I have magnetism for the strange, and I am ok with that…if it wasn’t for that my material would be lacking.  There are times when I talk with someone and in my head say…”you are a story happening right now”.

If you made it this far I am truly sorry for wasting your precious time. 

I have to go do something awesome right away.  Bye.

Cheetah taking out the Trash

I have been away.  You have been sad.  Today, dry your eyes and stop acting like a baby.  I am back and your harmony must be as well.  You are welcome.

This post has been inspired by my morning run and my new best friend, little Charmin Garmin.  I did what any ‘normal’ runner does before they head out for a longish run – check the forecast.  It looked reasonable, in a steamy, i will sweat my rear off kind of reasonable way.  85 but feels like 92…..let me say this if it “FEELS LIKE” 92, it IS 92.  I told myself, self, here’s the plan..you will run slower and it won’t feel as bad.  Logic Fail.  That’s right Rowe, brilliant, why don’t you run slower so you will be in the scalding rays of the sun longer.  That is bad and FEELS LIKE horrible. 

I tried to bring my water bottle with me, I thought I would feel less terrible if I had water.  How on earth do people carry water with them?  I don’t get it.  I have no skill when it comes to this – I can’t do it.  The slosh sound – it makes me nuts.  The bottle weighed too much..all 16.9 ounces, TOO MUCH.  I threw it out.  I surely don’t need this torture of carrying this.  I admire those who have packed like they are hiking in the Himalayas for a month – they have it all, enough gel to feed Africa, snack bags of sticky candy, and little bottles (37 of them strapped to their waist) of some mysteriously colored liquid.  I don’t know what they really have in there but it looks ugly and not meant for this girl.  I am sure their grocery store strapped to their waist only weighs 5 pounds but FEELS LIKE 300.  Pass.

I’m 6.5 miles into my trot…it’s not a run at this point.  I see an older couple, out for a morning run.  They took things to a new level…it was disturbing.  Not only were they running faster than me (unacceptable) by a whole lot..they were carrying their groceries from Publix (our local grocery store).  This is for serious.  So for serious.  For true.  I couldn’t believe it.  That takes going to run out to get something to eat to a new level.  Curse them.  How on Earth could they be running so smooth with bags in each hand?  Dang it my water was too heavy and grandma and grandpa skip past me like the tortoise I was.  It was a slap in the runner ego but FELT LIKE a TKO. 

Then it started to rain.  Just near me.  I was soaked in sweat..(and for the record I hate that sweet and sweat are spelled so similarly, it upsets me).  So soaked that I saturated my shorts and not in a good way.  (I don’t think there is a good way).  Now I am so soaked that sweat is dripping from my DRI fit shorts…dri fit my arse!  Sog Fit.  That’s what I was sporting..super Sog Fit…for the sweaty runner who can’t keep their sweat glands in check.  I need to create shorts made of Bounty..the quicker picker upper…super absorbent. 

What I will conclude with is this…although the 2 hours of sloth like trotting was hot, challenging and miserable…it was 2 hours that were an investment.  I would rather know that I got out there and tried even if it was bad.  Now I can enjoy the rest of my day knowing I accomplished something.  Anyone can run when it’s easy…it’s more about how hard you push when it’s not…

Stay Dri…

Cheetah wrapped in Bounty

Let me just say I could and likely should create an aircraft etiquette book (perhaps a series of books) that can be created all from what I have learned from bad behavior.  There is so much I can say on this topic as I have been on many a flight, which does not make me an expert but it does remind me barbarians are among us…

So here are some gems from my flight last night, I didn’t want the public to go without this information.

Gem #1:  I sat down in my aisle seat, the kid next to me in the middle seat turns to his mother and says, Mom Can I move, I don’t like people.
 
Gem #2:  2nd leg of my flight, lady next to me says – “I’m sorry if I smell, and I’m sorry if it gets worse”  Alrighty then.
 
Gem #3:  Captain tells everyone to shut off anything with an on/off switch, the man on the end of my row asked the flight attendant if he had to shut off his pace maker.  His wife said, “no honey, because you would be dead.”
 
Now I will say, this will be my first and LAST flight in the REAR of the aircraft.  I had my shirt over my face like one would do with a toxic diaper change.   I was suffocating.  I know bombs are being dropped over seas but let me just tell you..bombs were left in the rear of the aircraft last night.   There should be a no stink zone on the planes, I would pay top dollar. 
Behind me was the power talker – like someone pulled her rip chord and she couldn’t stop.  Her mother asked her to stop talking ”please stop talking, you have been talking non-stop for an hour and I can’t take it.”  “ok mom, I will sing”  And so..it got worse.  I wanted to fold myself up and be stored in an over head – it had to smell better up there.
Then the plane lands..begin the aggressive stander upper – the first to spring to action.  Ma’am, we are in row 43, the only seat farther back than us is the bomb shelter (aka lavatory…someone please tell me where the term lavatory came from…”lava” “tory”…let’s hope there isn’t lava in there).   But she is the FIRST to stand up, inch her way out and march up the aisle, all 2 rows.  How is it that she feels so entitled to march ahead of these other people?  Did they not endure the same 1.2 hours of encapsulated recycled savage air?  So why do YOU get to go ahead of them.  Now…say you get to go ahead of everyone?  Congratulations, hurry up and run to baggage claim.  We will see you there.  Standing.  Waiting.  May your bags come out last.
I have so much I have to do this morning otherwise i would keep writing..but I am headed out the door and haven’t even unpacked.  I just can’t wait to wash this layer of other peoples breath off of me.
People of the Blog…next time you are traveling be kind to the back of the plane, they are helpless souls that are held prisoner to the gift you may be giving to the Lava Room.
Jet Setter Cheetah
 

Please be seated.  Better yet, pull up the therapy couch.  Lay down.  This is big.  I. Saw. TWO MOVIES this week.  That’s right, TWO!  The world is ending. 

Why the sudden change?  Mid life meltdown?  I don’t really know.  Getting out of my comfort zone…being kicked out of my comfort zone, perhaps.  OR, ladies and gentlemen..the highest levels of boredom. 

Why don’t I like movies..the list is huge but as to not put you to sleep (unless you suffer from Insomnia I will connect you with Greg and he can tell you about his job).  I hate seeing things that are not reality – I don’t like seeing things that could not really happen.  I believe it gives the human mind false hope for things that can’t ever happen.   It puts images in front of you that make you want for things you never did before you saw the 2 hours of fakeness.  (yes, fakeness)  I want everything that comes from my mind to be an original thought with as few pieces of fakeness influencing me.  (I am submitting fakeness to wikipedia and you will see a picture of something un-real. ie. Trumps Hair)

Now, this is not to say that I don’t appreciate a good movie…although they do require attention span that I have only .7% of the time.  So chances are high that I will be the fidgeter.  The one who has to cross, un-cross and re-cross the legs…the one who has to adjust in the seat constantly…yes, HER.  The one you give the “movie hate eyes”.  Then there are the movie distractors…every theatre has them..the popcorn slobs and the slurpers.  There is nothing delicious about that last drop of soda, BUT the super sucker is bound and determined to try six times too many to get that last drop.  Bet it tastes like wax or air…something I have never longed for.  But, I suppose I would if it was missing from my life.  The popcorn savages are the ones who don’t even look at the bag but throw their hands in there and rummage around like a racoon in your trash.  The bag is so loud.  It echos in my ear..no matter where the popcorn animal is sitting..I hear you.  You can’t make the bag quiet..and if you do, the sound of you crunching makes me wish for a roof tile to suddenly fall on you.  Slurp and Crunch..two sounds that you can’t escape in the theatre.  Silence is not just golden it is divine.  If only the Lord Himself could intervene and silence the violators.

The movie was pretty good, no, it was VERY good.  I said it.  It made me think about fate, chance, free will and the power of true love.  What lengths people will go to when they REALLY love someone….it blows my mind.  I know I haven’t found true love yet but when I do, I am going to hold on and treasure it.  I have waited for 35 years and will wait for another 35 until its right.  I believe in fate.  I believe in love at first sight.  I believe in free will.  I believe in divine intervention.  I believe in me.  I believe in HIM.  I believe He will make our paths cross, and not by chance….by divinely ordered steps.  Until then, I will wait…patiently.  It’s worth the wait.

I am going to get a cheeseburger now.  I told you…midlife meltdown…armageddon…are you not laying down?  Why don’t you listen?  Your mamma should slap you.  Or not…I’m just kidding.  I can’t ingest animal flesh..it will end me.  And, what would my fans do without the chronicles?  Probably make a movie about the Cheetah…please, when you do…no popcorn or straws allowed.

Much Love to y’all….it’s great to be alive!

Cheetah Girl in Flux

TIGHTS!  Yeah, I said it…tights…not the kind to be worn with a nice skirt…no, I’m talking runner tights.  The kind that make you look like you are a super hero fail.  Got the image…good, I have them…I wear them and I love them.  They are the fashion of mom jeans (not my mom because she is cool) but the waist line is mid rib cage, I feel the elastic when I breathe.  It’s like a rib cage monitor…don’t pull the strings too tight or you will end yourself.    It gets better…they have TWO zippers…at the ankles.  We don’t want air getting in there – it will ruin the vacuum seal look, which is just what America is hoping to see, a vacuum sealed cheetah.  Shield your eyes…heed my warning…its going to show up in public, and for this, I am sorry.

Runner fashion is nothing to mess with, its serious.  So very serious.  What other group of people could get away with wearing shorts that belong to their children?  One swift breeze and Mr. Shorty Shorts has just ruined my smile for the rest of the day.  But he’s not ashamed, no he loves those shorts..those are his lucky race shorts.  We love dry fit, not the most flattering fabric.  I mean, they don’t make business suits of dry fit BUT if they did…all runners would be debuting that at the office.  Who wouldn’t want moisture wicking pants and a sport coat?  Those meetings can get intense, no one will see you sweat..it will be wicked away.  Which makes me wonder..where does this moisture get wicked to?  I need to know so I don’t go there.  I am afraid of all bodies of liquid that have no identifiable source.  Like the mystery liquid in the parking lot when it didn’t even rain, yeah where did THAT come from.  Maybe it’s snake spit?  Sick.

Perhaps a dry fit dress would be nice…I think that exists but think of the efficiency here.  You could kick off your heels and throw on the mizunos and run like the runner nerd you host from within.  Why don’t they make baby dri fit gear?  Babies seem to always have some form of non-dry things on them…seems logical to me.  (especially since I have no children of my own,  people of the blog, its your job to invent this and test it). 

Not only do we have super ugly fashion we have very annoying OCD habits.  Gotta get up at an exact hour, eat, digest, poop, suit up and take to the streets.  We have to be in bed by a certain hour to be sure we don’t sabotage ourselves from the amazing run we know we will be having.  We talk like, yeah, I do 15 miles every weekend for a warm up.  I am so amazing and I see you noticing how awesome I am.  Being awesome can not be taught, either you have it or you don’t..there is no awesome school…no awesome 101 (if they did have awesome classes I would be teaching Grad level, that class is about being humble). 

No point to tonight, just in a great mood thinking about the fortune of my life.  I LOVE my life.  I have an amazing family (that doesn’t have drama..really we don’t), the most beautiful nieces and nephews who make me melt with the sound of their voice, friends that I would lay down my life for, and an amazing job!  There are times when I realize that all of the suffering that i have endured in my lifetime has made me appreciate every little thing on a level deeper than I thought possible. 

That’s all for now…I can’t seem to stop babbling…lucky you.

Cheetah in Tights!